Here's another illustration I used in a recent GoFlow session to explain the difference between strategies and needs.
We tend to get hung up on the strategies (the surface behaviours) that people employ. We say that they are doing 'this' or 'that' on purpose, as if their intention was to purposefully inflict harm. This may be the case on occasion, but more often than not, the person - be it an adult of child - is using the best strategy they believe is going to help them to get a certain need met. The strategy is what we experience - the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. What we miss is the underlying need that is driving the strategy.
And what are needs? They are universal drives that we all share. We can have a need for security, creativity, understanding, respect, play, meaning and purpose, food, rest, sexual expression, and so on. When we connect with these needs, we can say "Yeah, I get how you might want to meet that need...but man, that strategy you are using isn't meeting my need for X." Try it now. Re-read the list of needs, and consider whether you would have any problem with someone wanting to meet one of those needs? Chances are you wont, because you recognise them as universal drives.
The problem is that we tend to focus on the strategies employed by people / organisations / cultures, and do not make the time to connect with the needs - either our own, or those of others.
The next time you find yourself ready to criticise, blame or evaluate another person's behaviour (or your own), pause, and ask...
"What need was he/she/I trying to meet by that strategy?
You may find your perspective shifting ever so slightly to a place of greater empathy, understanding and compassion.
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